Bouquet of Carnation and Arbutus
by wingsofseyfert12
Summary: Tomoya continued to live despite Nagisa's passing. He makes it a habit to visit her whenever he can even when there comes a point to when he doesn't understand why he continues to do so.


Disclaimer: All rights to the name "Clannad" belong solely to Key and its associates. I neither own this franchise nor do I profit from the writing of this story.

Author's Note: I was actually thinking about writing about this one-shot at work one day. This is going to be a more realistic account of how Tomoya copes with his life after Nagisa's passing. Anyway enjoy.

* * *

When I was a teenager I had a pessimistic view of humanity in general. I never understood why people would go so out of their way for others. I don't know. I felt that everytime I saw a family it annoyed me. This sense of total apathy and disregard for those around me. At the time I felt that these people were wasting their time. Why go through the trouble of committing yourself to a archaic tradition that probably wouldn't last anyway? What were these people trying to prove?

Did a man and a woman marry and have a family because of their proclaimed love for each other? At the time I thought not. I felt that most people were living a lie. They forced themselves into a life long commitment in order to uphold the status quo. To fit into society and show everyone that they were "normal." I hated it. That these people were willing to destroy their own self identity all for the sake of status.

Probably what got me angry the most was the fact that this wasn't fair to the children that they brought into the world.

Everytime I walked to school I would see the parents there watching their kids play in the park smiles plastered onto their faces and I was sure that it was a lie. That those parents were only smiling because they were expected to. That at any given time they would rather be doing something else with their free time. If that was the case then the children born not out of love but out of expectation. How was that fair to the child?

It wasn't fair and to make things worse the child would not know, would never know until they became adults and found out the truth. That there was no such thing as real love.

I used to attest to that by looking at my very own father.

The man was the scum of the earth. Always going to work like a robot, plastering a smile and _pretending_ to be happy to see me coming back from school. Feigning interest in my activities at school. It was a lie. He never loved me. I was there to fulfill his quest in showing others that we were a normal family. I was never the kind of person to enjoy being used for an ulterior purpose. Knowing that my very existence was granted just to meet up to a social standard. That my life was born not out of care or love but out of convenience. It made me so angry and bitter I couldn't stand it.

To see other parents do this to their children would make me tremble with anger. Most times I had to breath deeply and calm down. It was all I could do to then ignore them and make my way to school. I vowed that I would never get married and have children. I would rather suffer the indignity of being an outcast that be so cruel as to feign love for someone that I truly don't care for and have children that I wouldn't care for either.

Heh.

I don't know why I'm telling you this Nagisa.

Perhaps it is to show you that I was truly a bastard. I was a no good delinquent that got into fights and hated his father. How did someone so pure and innocent fall in love with the likes of me?

I wish you could speak to me again and tell me why.

You proved me wrong Nagisa. You showed me that true love does exist because you were my everything.

And now you are gone.

* * *

Ushio just started her first day at school Nagisa.

I know that its kind of silly for me to come all this way just to tell you this but I had to.

You know I used to be so worried leaving little Ushio all on her own back when I was taking her to daycare but the fact that Kyou was there to take care of her made me feel so much better. However now that she has started grade school I don't know. How could I trust total strangers to take care of our precious child?

Perhaps you'll probably get mad at me but I really didn't talk to the other parents. I should have probably but it felt so strange to see all these...couples there. Every single one of them still living together as husband and wife. Maybe I felt jealous that they could continue living together while you are away from my life Nagisa but I promise that next time I'll do better.

Here Nagisa. These white flowers are Carnation and are supposed to represent innocence. At least that was what the lady at the store told me. Yeah yeah go ahead and laugh it up. Tomoya here actually getting flowers. But I would only do this for you.

Only you...

* * *

My father passed away yesterday.

I didn't want to tell you this to make you sad Nagisa but I really have no one else to talk to about this.

All my life I had grown up hating my father thinking that he was below trash. Never did I take the time to truly sit down and speak to him not until he was on his very deathbed.

Even then I nearly rebuked him. I did not want to hear what he had to say.

Yet I knew that you would get so mad at me if I didn't so I spoke to him because I knew _you_ would have wanted me to do so.

It's strange to think that I never did know my father. I thought I knew him but I didn't. How ironic that our lives had been so similiar and we were both cursed to find the one we truly loved only to find it disappear from our lives all together.

There was a time when I all I would do was lie down and lament your passing Nagisa. I would do nothing but stay in my room and be miserable ignoring the very needs of my only child. If it wasn't for your parents Nagisa I would have ended up turning out like a my father. A ghost of a man with nothing to live for. Constantly trudging through life day by day never really looking forward to anything.

I am angry to know that he never recovered for my sake and yet I'm saddened that even my presence was not enough for him to recover. The loss of the one he loved was just far too great a pain for him. I'm just fortunate that I was able to recover enough to care for Ushio.

But never think for once that I don't miss you Nagisa because I do.

There are days which I feel like I'm being suffocated. That the only reason why I'm even alive is because my organs are still healthy. But my spirit is crushed and rotting away to where even Ushio's little smile can't hope to reverse.

I'm sorry Nagisa. I don't mean to trouble you with my own sorrow. Please don't blame yourself for my suffering. You couldn't help it and I understand. It was something beyond all our control.

Never think I hate you for leaving my life because I don't. So stop those tears I know you are probably shedding right now. I'm fine and I will get over this.

I have to for Ushio's sake.

* * *

Something really disturbing happened today.

You remember Kyou right? That short tempered girl with the long, purple hair?

S-She confessed to me today.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think she ever harbored feelings for me. Now that I think about it she has grown up from that snotty, short tempered teenager into a pleasant, well mannered adult.

I know you are probably wearing a smile right now and probably rooting for me to go for it and seek my own happiness. To forget about you and live out my own life with another person who could make me happy.

It will never happen.

I admit that Kyou has grown up to become a beautiful woman and that I genuinely enjoy spending my free time with her from time to time. I honestly feel that despite our quarrels in high school she is the only friend I have left.

But she is not for me.

She will never make me feel so happy or so blessed as you did Nagisa. Perhaps what I did was mean to Kyou for rejecting her but I simply cannot forget about you Nagisa! It's impossible and I would not have it. I cherish the memories that we had together.

So here Nagisa. Take these flowers as my commitment to you and only you. They are Arbutus flowers and its meant to represent my love only for you.

For you were the one Nagisa.

The only one I truly ever loved.

* * *

It has been so long Nagisa. I'm so sorry that I have not been able to visit as much but I have been busy.

You know that Ushio is graduated from high school and is already applying to university?

To think that neither you nor I ever went to college but our precious child is going to go out and further her education. I know you would have been so proud. I know that I am practically beaming with pride right now.

Sometimes I am in disbelief that I had a part in creating the child, now an adult, before us. She looks so much like you Nagisa that sometimes I can't help but look away. However it seems that with the time passing she has inherited my pessimistic behavior. I would really have thought that she would turn out as kind as you were but it is somewhat disturbing to see someone who looks so much like you act so aloof with her peers. I guess I'm partly to blame for that but I'm thankful that she did not become a worthless delinquent like me at her age.

No she excels at her school work and is hardworking and studious. I could not be any more proud of her.

If only you were here to see her. I know you would have been proud too Nagisa.

* * *

Ushio is going to have a child Nagisa!

I am so excited to become a grandfather. Me, Tomoya, a grandfather? If my teenage self were to see me then he would have scoffed and told me that I was pathetic. However never did I think that I would be so excited. To know that the product of our love would then go forth and bear a child of her own! It was something that I truly wanted to witness. Our little Ushio now grown into a beautiful woman and going to have a child.

For once it seems that my life was going to bear some semblance of happiness once more. I was never truly happy, not without you by my side Nagisa, but I tolerated it for Ushio's sake. The thought of having grandchildren.

Perhaps I could finally be able feel what it was like to be happy once again.

* * *

I'm sorry to say this Nagisa but I offer you my condolences.

Your parents died from natural causes not too long ago. Your mother, Sanae, passed away. Her husband passed away only a week after her death.

The death of your parents really got me thinking about the mortality of all of us. Life is so precious and fragile yet we all take it for granted. That at any moment we could be gone in an instant. It takes so much time and love to raise a child and yet in a flash they could disappear from our lives.

More than that I really thought about the pains and struggles your own parents had to deal with the majority of their lives.

I really was a selfish bastard when you passed away Nagisa. I shoved the responsibility of Ushio onto them so that I could sulk when they were probably feeling just as miserable or even worse than I was. Such a selfish bastard I was.

The pain of losing you Nagisa was almost more than I could bear. I almost pale to think of the pain your father felt when the love of his life finally passed away after decades of marriage.

I spoke to him a couple of days before his death and though he was healthy, physically, his demeanor reminded me of my own father long ago. A shell of a man with nothing to live for. I could relate to his pain and was able to bring him some small bit of comfort. To show him that he was not totally alone in his feelings of despair and sorrow.

You know Nagisa when talking to him it made realize an important point.

Throughout our life we have the ability to talk to those around us. The written word spoken from tongue to ear. It is supposed to convey a sense of communication and let others know what your intents are.

It was not until after speaking to your father that I realized that most people truly do not communicate with each other. To me the ability to truly communicate with someone is not just by speaking to them but by making them _understand_ your true feelings. For that to happen one must be able to relate to another person's feelings whether they be happiness or anguish.

I almost feel like I never really knew Akio until I spoke to him just a few days before his death. We were able to relate to each other's pain and in essence, truly communicate the message we wanted to send across.

It's sad that all your life you speak to others but find that the majority of people will interact with will never truly understand you. That despite everything they are deaf and blind to you at all times. Literally the only reason why the spoken word exists is to convey the most superficial of messages.

You know I really miss them. Both of your parents have been a constant in my life, a reminder to the days when both you and I were together just getting started in life. What I wouldn't give to go back to those days when the only thing I had to worry about was getting enough sleep to get up at five in the morning to help your father at the shop and make sure that I could take care of you.

Anyway make sure you say hi to them for me when you see them Nagisa. Hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer before I can see you once more Nagisa.

* * *

I'm getting old Nagisa.

Everyday it gets harder and harder for me to rise from bed and do what I have to do to get through the day. There are sometimes when my body refused to move due to pain and I'm bedridden unable to do anything but just lay there and think.

Just getting here on my own was a struggle Nagisa but I would suffer any kind of pain and torment if it meant getting close to you even if it is to your grave site.

Ushio hardly sees me anymore. She is busy taking care of her grown children that she hardly has the time. Our precious, beautiful Ushio has grown into a wonderful, loving woman, wife and mother. Her oldest child is already in high school can you believe that?

You know it is really difficult for me to remember the days when I was in high school. All of my so called friends and such. I really have no recollection of them. I do remember Kyou and though it still pains me that I had rejected her long ago I'm happy to say that she has found the one she loved and is in a happy marriage. However, truly, the only thing I can recall from high school is you Nagisa.

I find that my memory fades from time to time and that I forget the names of my grandchildren and other acquaintances. Sometimes I look at Ushio and almost call out your name to her.

You could say that I'm afraid that I am really losing my mind and that soon I will forget everyone and everything.

Please don't cry Nagisa this was to be expected. You see this is what happens when you get very old. I'm sure you still look like the young, beautiful woman I married so long ago while I am a decrepit old man now.

I will never forget you. I swear Nagisa even if my brain turns into jelly still I will remember you.

Because even to this day you were the one and nothing will ever change that.

* * *

I don't know why I am here.

In my hands I am holding a bouquet of white flowers as I visit this grave.

Perhaps you can tell me why I am here.

Somebody once told me that I am one of the oldest men to ever live. I have people telling me that they are my great grandchildren and that they are here to take care of me.

I don't know who they are but I cannot turn down such a kind offer especially since I can hardly walk without my cane any longer.

For some reason when I woke up today I felt the need to come over here and visit this grave. A person once told me that you were a very special person to me. You would have to be if you would compel me to get out of bed and make the journey over here. I hardly even venture outside my own house any more much less go out into public.

I'm sorry where are my manners?

My name is Okazaki Tomoya and supposedly I'm over one hundred years old. I don't know about that. I can hardly remember what I had for breakfast yesterday but people insist that I'm this old so I suppose that I am.

What is your name dear?

Furukawa Nagisa?

What a beautiful name.

I don't know why but that name makes my heart suddenly race and has my stomach making flips. I wonder why but I guess it has something to do with the fact that you were supposed to have been a good person to me.

It is such a shame that you're dead now. I'm sure we would have been very good friends. I hardly have any friends anymore and even if I did I'm sure that I would have forgotten about them the next day. You see my memory is not so good and it is hard for me to remember anything nowadays.

Yet something tells me that I would probably remember you if we had been friends. At least I'm sure I would have _tried_ to remember you.

Why do I get the feeling that you are crying right now? You should not have to cry. I have accepted that I cannot remember much of anything nowadays.

For some reason, however, when I go to sleep I have a dream that I am with a beautiful woman. She is so pure and innocent and the sight of her makes my heart race. When I hold her in my arms I feel as if am holding all the happiness the world has to offer. It's funny that I can remember my dreams but not what I ate for dinner the day before or the name of the kind nurse that checks my vitals from time to time.

Anyway Furukawa Nagisa. I will be sure to come back some other time if I am feeling up to it. It was nice talking to you.

* * *

I know that you were someone really special to me.

When I woke up this morning the very first thing that came to mind was your name.

Furukawa Nagisa.

I don't know why I remember your name when I can hardly remember anything else. The nurse who takes care of me, goodness what is her name again, is baffled as to why I am able to retain your name and your name only when I don't even remember what I did the day before.

My body hardly moves anymore and I feel like it takes every ounce of my strength just to heave myself out of bed. However I felt that there was a sense of urgency and I needed to see you for whatever reason.

So here I am again barely able to stand on my own two feet. My supposed great grandchildren and doctors all think I'm crazy go so far away from home just to visit your grave but I can't help it. I feel like you are the only person who can understand me. What is it about you that has me coming back all the time? That just the sound of your name on my lips brings to me the utmost happiness yet sorrow at the same time. Why is it that I remember your name and nothing else?

When I woke up this morning I could not help but feel so totally lost and alone.

I see people all around me yet they are all strangers. I do not feel any sort of connection between them and me. I speak to them and they in turn speak to me but I feel like we are just merely exchanging words and that's it. None of these people inspire any sort of emotion in me.

I feel like I have been left behind. There is a splinter in my mind telling me that everyone that I had once been close to are now all gone. If that is so then perhaps I'm really as old as everyone says I am.

Coming here gives me comfort and a strange sense of nostalgia.

Tell me Furukawa Nagisa. Why do I feel like I can only connect to you even though you are dead? Why do I have more trouble relating to a living, breathing person than to a person who has died long ago?

Maybe I'm going crazy or perhaps I'm just only realizing that I have been crazy the whole time.

I don't know why but I want to see you Furukawa Nagisa.

It's impossible I know. But perhaps this is why I find myself coming to your grave every chance I get. Somewhere deep inside me is telling me that I had known you once before and that you were the one.

Can I lay next to you? I'm so sleepy and I do not have the strength to make it home.

Furukawa Nagisa...I don't know why I have to say this but everything in me is telling me to tell you so I will.

I love you Furukawa Nagisa.

_Tomoya-kun..._

I have always loved you even to this day when my mind has nearly failed me. At least I can take solace in the fact that I can finally remember who you are Furukawa Nagisa.

For you were the one.

You are the one.

The one I truly loved.

* * *

Okazaki Tomoya was pronounced dead at one hundred and fifteen years old making him one of the oldest people to have ever existed.

It is said that at the discovery of his death he was laying next to a tombstone of a Furukawa Nagisa.

His arms were said to have embraced the stone and even in death he would not let go.

* * *

Author's Note: Well this is my take on Clannad After Story had Nagisa stayed dead. Hit me up and let me know what you all think.


End file.
